Archives for category: Self Help

I’m getting a lot of positive feedback around my recent appearance on Antique Roadshow. Here’s a quick synopsis in case you missed it.

I brought my Dad on the program. The appraiser took one look at him and said “You’re right, he is cheap!”

Antique Road Show

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Hey it worked for me!

I find that the most Affected folk are those that keep their fears front and center and always both on the horizon and in their rear view mirrors. Because when it comes down to it what are we without our fears? Well, I’ll tell you!

Without self consuming fear many of our leading industries would truly feel the pinch. The thought of Americans accepting their body gives the ASPS (American Society of Plastic Surgeons) some deep and noticeable worry lines and that’s not good for anybody. High end luxury items that scream “I’m better than you…right?” such as sports cars, motorcycles, and boats could see a dip in sales. Infidelity and the pricey divorces that follow could be adversely affected. Do you want your calm level-headed demeanor to send us into another crippling economic recession?

Remember that without your fears you stand alone in the abyss. Late at night when you’ve exhausted your wine supply and its too late to take another pill, its your fears that keep you going! Your fears are always there saying, ‘No you can’t and its probably best this way’.

Self help gurus have coined many fear mantras and here are my counter arguments:

People say you should let go of fear but my fear coping strategy is to lock that shit down!

Feel the fear and do it anyway. My solution, feed the fear by doing nothing.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. My response, ‘The only thing we have to fear is everything!’

Let your faith be bigger than your fear. Or should we believe in nothing but our fears?

I leave you with one last thought. The only true winners when you manage your fears are therapists, psychiatrists, and pharmacologists. So could this healthy approach bandwagon be a ploy to induce mind control by Obamacare? Now that’s a scary thought.

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When are they going to make those books into movies? Step aside Harry Potter, Jason Bourne, and Katniss Everdeen. My favorite character is the Dummie from those books! He seems so cool you and I could totally party with him. I see Tom Cruise in the lead role of Dummie. No wait strike that or should i say stroke that…John Travolta. They have the same hair! (I’m probably going to get sued for this because we all know he doesn’t want to stroke me! ‘She’s referring to the dummy of course’, said my lawyer.)

My folks have the iPad for Dummies book (a real page turner). I couldn’t put it down. There is a entire chapter detailing how to touch the screen. Might I suggest we back up a book or two if you are not familiar with how to touch? And believe me my Dad wasn’t. We went over that chapter twice.

I must admit I’ve never bought one of those books because that’s like screaming out “hey over here yeah I’m dumb”. Or maybe because I’m illiterate. Price Check for the self proclaimed dummie in aisle 9.

I’m working on some upcoming dummie sequels. Here take a gander:

Racism for Dummies
Sticks for Dummies
Duh for Dummies
Breathing for Dummies
Brain cells for Dummies

04/04/2013 04:59 AM

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