I’m getting a lot of positive feedback around my recent appearance on Antique Roadshow. Here’s a quick synopsis in case you missed it.

I brought my Dad on the program. The appraiser took one look at him and said “You’re right, he is cheap!”

Antique Road Show

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Hey it worked for me!

I find that the most Affected folk are those that keep their fears front and center and always both on the horizon and in their rear view mirrors. Because when it comes down to it what are we without our fears? Well, I’ll tell you!

Without self consuming fear many of our leading industries would truly feel the pinch. The thought of Americans accepting their body gives the ASPS (American Society of Plastic Surgeons) some deep and noticeable worry lines and that’s not good for anybody. High end luxury items that scream “I’m better than you…right?” such as sports cars, motorcycles, and boats could see a dip in sales. Infidelity and the pricey divorces that follow could be adversely affected. Do you want your calm level-headed demeanor to send us into another crippling economic recession?

Remember that without your fears you stand alone in the abyss. Late at night when you’ve exhausted your wine supply and its too late to take another pill, its your fears that keep you going! Your fears are always there saying, ‘No you can’t and its probably best this way’.

Self help gurus have coined many fear mantras and here are my counter arguments:

People say you should let go of fear but my fear coping strategy is to lock that shit down!

Feel the fear and do it anyway. My solution, feed the fear by doing nothing.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. My response, ‘The only thing we have to fear is everything!’

Let your faith be bigger than your fear. Or should we believe in nothing but our fears?

I leave you with one last thought. The only true winners when you manage your fears are therapists, psychiatrists, and pharmacologists. So could this healthy approach bandwagon be a ploy to induce mind control by Obamacare? Now that’s a scary thought.

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Jesus Christ has joined Christian Mingle!

And isn’t it about time? We all knew that Mary Magdalene was all wrong for him. He’s single and centuries later ready to mingle. It makes perfect sense that he’d choose Christian Mingle, why not keep it in the family? I’m sure he gets a discount, perhaps the Friends and Family Holy Spirit Package.

His profile writes itself. Easy going sandal loving dude who’s good with his hands seeks seeks single women to spend eternity with. Looking for a match made in Heaven. His hobbies include turning water into wine and quick and easy fish recipes.

I can even see him doing an ad for Christian Mingle. They said he’d come again and we’re here to help… Christian Mingle. I’m Jesus Christ and I’m not just a member, I’m also the savior.

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When are they going to make those books into movies? Step aside Harry Potter, Jason Bourne, and Katniss Everdeen. My favorite character is the Dummie from those books! He seems so cool you and I could totally party with him. I see Tom Cruise in the lead role of Dummie. No wait strike that or should i say stroke that…John Travolta. They have the same hair! (I’m probably going to get sued for this because we all know he doesn’t want to stroke me! ‘She’s referring to the dummy of course’, said my lawyer.)

My folks have the iPad for Dummies book (a real page turner). I couldn’t put it down. There is a entire chapter detailing how to touch the screen. Might I suggest we back up a book or two if you are not familiar with how to touch? And believe me my Dad wasn’t. We went over that chapter twice.

I must admit I’ve never bought one of those books because that’s like screaming out “hey over here yeah I’m dumb”. Or maybe because I’m illiterate. Price Check for the self proclaimed dummie in aisle 9.

I’m working on some upcoming dummie sequels. Here take a gander:

Racism for Dummies
Sticks for Dummies
Duh for Dummies
Breathing for Dummies
Brain cells for Dummies

04/04/2013 04:59 AM

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March 29th, 2013 marks the 2nd anniversary of the loss of the matriarch of our clan. Mary T. McSharry, or as she was more commonly known Aunt Sis, was the single most important woman to grace my life. In her youth she was the chief accountant for the Registry of Motor Vehicles and a former member of the Catholic Daughters of America, but it was the role she played in our family that she cherished the most. Throughout her 81 years she acted as aunt, friend, ally, care-giver, and many times mother to her 18 nieces and nephews. She was quick with a hug and ever present with a smile or a grin. She had more love and compassion in her pinkie than Mother Theresa and all the Popes that lived in Rome. She truly could take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worth while.

I can recall the many lessons she taught me throughout the years, most notably while driving. I can hear her voice now, “that rolling stop wouldn’t cut it with a DMV cop!” Another day after being cut off by a driver who proceeded to flip her off and berate her in the process, her response was to say that we should both say a prayer that he doesn’t get into an accident given his state of mind (Personally, I had other ideas for the guy). Looking back, I see now that while she was teaching me the rules of the road she was also imparting valuable life lessons.

1. Slow down and enjoy the ride.
2. Do your best to hold compassion and love in your heart for all God’s children.
3. All you are left with when you hold a grudge is a heart full of anger.

I have great faith (yes Sis, your prayers were answered, I found mine) that when the road rises up to meet me for the final time your eyes will be the first to greet me. May you also be the DMV inspector signing off on my license for Heaven!

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THIS BLOG ENTRY WAS STARTED IN OCTOBER 2012 AND RELEGATED TO DRAFT STATUS AS MY DVR WAS AT 98%…PRIORITIES. I’M FINALLY READY TO RELEASE:

One of my favorite seasons is the Fall TV Premiere Season. As a child I can recall how I was clamoring for the commercials in late August to catch a slight glimpse at the TV magic which awaited the viewer. One of my favorite fall seasons was in 1979 when ABC brought us the gem that was Hart to Hart. It was the delightful who-dun-it centered around amateur detectives for fun who were also a millionaire couple by night. Stefanie Powers and Robert Wagner lit up the screen (and the bedroom) solving crimes and loving each other to the hilt. The cast was complete with Max, their codger of a butler, and the incomparable Freeway. He was a scene stealing dog who in this blogger’s humble opinion stole the show!

As i reminisce about the good old days I think ‘they don’t make em like they used to.’ My love of TV has been tested what with mid season replacements and extended hiatuses. Tell me you aren’t longing for the day two years later when Don Draper will blow smoke in your face? I fear that poor Master Crawley will bleed out if Downton Abbey doesn’t resume quickly and don’t even get me started about those Walkers! The Walking Dead is crawling back to the screen having been hampered by budget cuts and the rising cost of blood flavored corn syrup.

As I think about this I wonder if it’s something to be ashamed of and fearful to acknowledge?

Is there a 12 step program for TV addiction and if there is what happens if the series is cancelled before episode 7? Who will be the special guest? Will there be a spin-off? These days most series hardly go 12 episodes… It brings a whole new meaning to the term sponsorship!

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THE FOLLOWING BLOG DATES BACK TO OCTOBER 2012. The names really should be changed to protect the innoc, strike that, to protect me:

Family was in town last week. Needless to say, I will need 2-3 weeks recovery time and a plethora of legal and illegal drugs to fill the void created by their visit. It’s not that I don’t love my family because I do, but they are just so much more lovable at the therapist suggested distance of 3,142 miles away.

My father brings 74 years of kooky, a little bit of crazy, and a sizable dose of WTF to the picnic. Each visit provides me with a clearer understanding of the origin of my psychosis as well as the futility of continued treatment attempts. A great example of this wacky dynamic is the fact that I stole a wine opener from a hotel where we stayed up north. Why you ask? Because it’s very possible that all my openers could be destroyed in a senseless household fire. Then where would I be? Well I’ll tell you where… In the heat without a refreshing Malbec to quench my thirst!

There are few things less frightening than realizing that your father is actually your biological parent and not just someone you grew up living near and/or around. This weekend I saw the DNA strands clearer than the big reveal on a Jerry Springer “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy” episode. The realization that you’ve become your nemesis is never easy, luckily I can concentrate on that fear alone and not have to worry about how I will open my next Chianti.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had glimpses of my true heritage in the past but chose wisely to ignore them. There was my personal war against Starbucks. Upon realizing that a grande latte in NYC cost $.31 more than the same drink in SF I vowed to never pay for sugar or any condiments while living in the NYC and affectively driving them out of business (surprisingly Starbucks won that battle). Another common trait or characteristic is the overwhelming desire to be at the airport at least if not more than 4.5 plus hours prior to any flight, though one would argue this is not a genetic marker but rather just good common sense.

I have a great deal more to say regarding this topic but it’s time for me to take my pills and besides ‘being up this late is FOOLISHNESS’! [‘being up this late is FOOLISHNESS’ – Neal E. Dolan circa June 1978 and Beyond.]

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Have you noticed that the US of A does not have the drive and determination that once made us great? There’s an overwhelming sentiment felt by many in our country that goes something like this, ‘Why not sit this one out?’ and by this one we mean Monday through Friday. Our cultural icons are Honey Boo Boo, teen moms, and feuding housewives. Today we fight Cupcake Wars and the battle for the Big Gulp (“Give me 64 oz or give me death!” Which come to think of it might be a good slogan for anti diabetes prevention watchdogs). Remember when we went to war over fun things like religion?

In 2008, the chant of many was ‘Yes We Can’. Is that still true? It’s beginning to look like our new slogan should be ‘No We Cant’. It’s time for America to manage its expectations. Time to stop reaching for the stars and believing in the dream and start settling. No sense getting a big head. After all, high hopes in most instances lead to drug dependency.

Maybe this national lethargy isn’t such a bad thing?

Maybe it’s time to give 10% versus 110%. If more people do less won’t that create jobs for all these unemployed college grads with school loans hanging over their heads? These 10%ers will be providing a great service to our country besides all the jobs they free up. With all that spare time it only makes sense that they will spend it on Facebook and that will help stabilize the stock. Also, we may see a boost in FarmVille users which can help to eradicate the virtual food shortage.

If more Americans were willing to phone it in our infrastructure would be less taxed. Less people going to work means less traffic and fewer emissions. We must address global warming in some fashion, why not let that fashion be a comfortable pair of PJs and our fluffy slippers? What better way to give back then laying back?

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I recently saw an advertisement for Depends highlighting how fashionable they really could be for the American incontinent consumer. The scene opens on a red carpet and an interviewer asks Lisa Rinna (star of television, stage, and botched plastic surgery) if she will try the new Depends fashion brief. She agrees immediately even though she doesn’t need to wear them. She soon returns looking dynamite and slimmer than in the previous scene and might I add that the briefs really made her lips pop! This brings up a lot of issues for me ranging from fashion to self control.

Fashion is important to me and has been all my life. I recall the sense of pride I felt when I donned a Members Only jacket. I had a lot riding on that fashion selection and I like to think that getting that jacket was a turning point for me. People were going to welcome me, after all, I’m now a Member. Self control has always been on my mind as I have very little of it at any given time. I wore that jacket morning, noon, and night and possible past it’s fashion peak. Come to think of it, when I finally took off the coat I was the only Member.

Now as I write this I get it. It doesn’t matter how good you look or which designer is on your back if you have an accident. That will never fly on the runway. It’s also not recommended for clothes that you plan on wearing again or returning to Macy’s because you truly couldn’t afford them.

Depends has also created an ad geared to the male consumer. In this spot the Depends models are professional football players. Now in my opinion football players are a smart move (no pun intended). They are perfect candidates for this product. Have you seen how tight those uniforms are and all the equipment? These guys are the poster children for needing to relieve yourself anytime or anywhere. And given this past season’s referee strike it must have been comforting for the players to know they weren’t the only people on the field full of…

As I write this blog, I see that my feelings are conflicted regarding these ads. I feel sad for Lisa and those football players. Imagine their initial excitement at the prospect of becoming the national spokesperson for a industry leading product with both tv and print ads. Then to realize its for adult diapers! Oohhh! My thoughts also go out to the Depends advertising department. I’m sure they dropped a load on this campaign.

It is worth noting that I’m wearing a pair of the briefs now and the words are writing themselves!

Lisa Rinna Depends Commercial

NFL players Depends Commercial

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